It’s time to change my email address

Parker Knox

Published: Wednesday, December 17th, 2008

The problem with being a voracious e-mailer is that it is far too easy to sign up for "stuff," some of which sounds appealing and attractive and some of which proves to be nothing more than an e-mail clogger. It takes time and patience to "opt out" of each of those e-mails from whom I never want to hear again, so I have decided it's time to simply close my present e-mail account and get a new one and then to be very careful who learns about that new address! Why go to the trouble, you ask?  This is why. I swear this is the gospel truth. The other day I received ALL of the following in my junk folder on the SAME day: • "Need help with diabetes?  Try GlucoBalame MD." • "Get the world's best peeler for only $14.99." • "Rebate processing jobs at home.  Immediate placement!" • "My Nigerian partners have absconded with my funds, and the governor of the Central Bank of Nigeria is going to help me get my money if you will help me." • "Lucidal, a revolutionary new formula to boost brain functions." (I actually pondered the idea of opening this e-mail. I could use a boost in brain functions.) • Something totally in Spanish.  I can't tell you what it said. • "Zenaab-kabbah is seeking an honest partner." (Yeah, I'll bet you are.) • "Be a happy driver. Save on auto insurance." • "Recieve the funds you requested." (I hadn't requested any funds, and besides, I wouldn't get them from anybody who can't spell "receive" correctly.) • "Parker, relief is here." (I could use some relief, but I'm afraid of what they're suggesting.) • "Choose a designer handbag and you could get it free." (I think I'll stick with my wallet.) • "Ugrent response requested by Abudu Hassan." (I'm sure urgency was required, but he spelled it "ugrent.") • "Parker, your future starts here." (I'm too old to start a future right now.) • "Fed up with taxes, Parker?"  (You bet, but not as much as I'm fed up with the people in government who are responsible for them.) • "Respond urgently, my dear friend." (I think I'll pass.) • "Whose fries are better?" • "UK Lottery notification."  (I've won the UK lottery countless times in my life. I have yet to see a penny of it.) • "How to burn fat with SkinnyBoost." (I already look as if I used SkinnyBoost. I can't afford to burn another ounce of fat.) • "Want to meet some nice girls?"  (Yes, always. But my description of "nice girls" and theirs is likely different.) • "Anti-aging formula!" (Now they're getting my attention.) • "Dermitage, Hollywood's Fountain of Youth." (Fine, I'm interested, but can I get it in South Dakota instead of Hollywood?)  • And of course, Viagra! (If I had much use for Viagra, this might be the first of my junk e-mails I would open.) As you can guess, I make frequent use of the "delete" button on my computer.  -o-o-o-o-o-  Facebook has value: Back in October, my e-mail inbox revealed that a friend had sent a message to me, but I could view it only if I went to his Facebook wall. (What's a wall, I asked myself.) I tried that, only to learn that I could see his wall only if I myself were a Facebook member. Well, why not!  So I "joined," and suddenly I had "friends" I didn't know I had. The number is now somewhere over 600, last time I checked. That in itself is, I suppose, a good thing except one learns to be very careful what one writes on his Facebook wall because all of those 600 friends plus the rest of the civilized world can read it. But Facebook has proved to be a way to keep in touch with people.  For instance, had I not joined up, I likely would not have known that: • Caitlin Kurtz is in two choirs up at Northern and was in the cast of "Fiddler on the Roof" at NSU this fall. • Brock Rose, another Northern freshman, placed 27th in the Northern Sun conference cross-country meet and was one of the top four runners whose places counted for NSU. He was later 75th in the NCAA Central Region race at Kearney. • Dylan Jost played the lead role in "Ledge, Ledger and the Legend," one of the fall one-act plays at USD, and he was in the cast of "A Christmas Carol," which was performed this month.  • Tanner Boggs is in the Navy, based right now at Pensacola, Fla.  He tells me he doesn't mind it there, except that it's "just a long way from home." • Megan Turner had 12 points in a game against Mount Marty where she played against Becky Deighton, formerly of Newell. Then she played against one of the Coyle girls from Belle Fourche, who plays for Iowa Lakes. "It feels like high school ball again," Megan wrote. • Zach McLain is working for the fire department at Sheridan, Wyo.  He tells me he is still running road races, too, and is faster than he was in high school at CHS. • Paige Paulsen is playing pro basketball in Spain. • Steven Hafner is spending the school year at Innsbruck, Austria, on a year-long study abroad through Notre Dame. He says he studies a lot of German and gets in some skiing.  However, he said it was "weird" not being home for Thanksgiving. • Nate Mahone's Augustana team, which was the highest-placing team in the Northern Sun conference that did not qualify for the playoffs, got to play an extra game at the Mineral Water Bowl in Missouri. • Tyler Custis is living and working in Taipei, Taiwan.  Yes, Facebook is addictive and time-consuming, but at the same time it provides instantaneous communication with friends from out of the past. -o-o-o-o-o- Signs of the times:  Being a news junkie, I usually have CNN or MSNBC on throughout the day, so at least twice daily I see a shot of the opening bell and the closing bell at the New York Stock Exchange.  What bugs me about that, however, is this: Why, especially in these rugged, shaky financial times, are those people standing up there by the bell applauding so deliriously as they ring the opening and closing bells? . . . . .  Since my car has been on the fritz for most of three months this fall, I hadn't bothered to fill the gas tank very often. The other day I pulled up to one of the outside pumps at a local station, one of those where you have to go inside and pay cash before pumping the gas. I handed the clerk a $20 bill, saying, "I don't have a clue how much it will take so give me that much for now." He looked at me strangely but said nothing. I went back to the car, pumped gas till it automatically shut off and was astounded to see it cost me only about $16.  Whoa! The last time I remembered filling my gas tank it cost something like $50!  The clerk was amused as I returned inside to get my change. . . . . . Why didn't I ever think of this? I read the other day that an enterprising calculus teacher at a high school in suburban San Diego, tired (or broke!) from using his own money to pay for supplies for his classroom, solicited ads and printed them around the outside edges of the test papers he distributed to his students.  Some of the ads were from local businesses, one from a dentist urging "brace yourself for a great semester," others from supportive parents. He sold out all the space on his semester test, and he has bookings for $350 worth of ads for next semester! I can only imagine what the superintendents and principals with whom I dealt over my 18 years of teaching would have said about this plan. . . . . . -o-o-o-o-o- The tradition lives:  As I wrote this last Friday, I had already received 24 Christmas cards/letters from friends in my former haunts---Onida, Pierre, Rapid City, Custer, et al. It's good to welcome the mailman at the front door each morning when what he brings is friends' news and photos of the past year instead of bills! For the first time in decades, I'm not going to get my Christmas letter into the mail before Christmas, but I'll get it done after the new year, perhaps during the first blizzard that shuts down Vermillion, if in fact we are fortunate to have such a couple days this year! In the meantime, merry Christmas and happy new year to all who read the Chronicle. I managed to see very few of you during 2008 (only if you came east of the river!), but I vow to rectify that situation in 2009, and perhaps a return move to the Black Hills area is in store.  Enjoy your holiday season!