It’s like state law or something

Officer Lumpy was slumped down in the front seat of his rusting, battle-scarred patrol car when I passed by his parking place next to the highway the other day. Knowing it was Lumpy, I put the pedal down to see if I could get a rise out of him. Lumpy’s car stayed where it was, so I swung back around to stop and say hello. 

Lumpy was sound asleep, skillfully propped up with his sunglasses perched just right, so as to project the appearance of consciousness to passing motorists. I chuckled and threw a crumpled Schlitz can at him, scoring a direct hit on his bulbous boozer’s nose. A blast of curses and grunts erupted from the suddenly-awake Lumpy, followed closely by the scratched and worn muzzle of his .357 Magnum, twitching my way like a rattlesnake hunting for prey. “Holy crap, Lumpy!” I shouted, cringing. “Don’t shoot!” 

Available only in the print version of the Custer County Chronicle. To subscribe, call 605-673-2217.